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Surrender

When Ego asks, “How long is this situation going to go on,” Surrender says, “It goes on until it doesn’t.”

Right now my mom is in hospice.  This is the result of a massive stoke that has greatly incapacitated her.  No ability to move the right side, no ability to talk, limited ability to stay awake, and of course, extreme discomfort.  This is not what any of us wanted for her.

Though Source has awakened the individuated self I once called “me” from its self-imposed slumber, there is still the matter of Surrender–accepting what is happening around me with an open hand and without judgment.  Staying present instead of sliding back into the slumber and escape of conditioned Egoic responses.

Surrender is an ego word.  Source has no need to surrender.  Ego dissolves as Source awakens to Itself.  But until then.

Surrender means staying present–accepting things as they unfold and knowing that even if I could, I should not impose change.  It means listening to the news from the doctors without judging what they say as good or bad.  It means listening to disagreements among family members about what should be done–and not trying to control them with my words and actions or judging their words and actions in my mind. Surrender means understanding that this physical thing I call myself is going to be sad, tired, and want to say and do anything to gain control of even the smallest thing.  Surrender means allowing this fictitious person I call “me” to melt, cry, feel pain and despair. It means honoring the physical body with rest, food, and space.

Surrender is constantly answering the ego–when it asks the question, “How long is this going to go on,” with, “It goes on until it doesn’t.” Surrender is sitting by the bedside and being present–without judging the moment as good or bad–even when mom moans or looks pitiful. Surrender means saying, “I don’t know”  when others ask me if  mom can really understand what’s happening to her or going on about her.

Surrender means that nothing is what it seems to be from an individuated point of view–that life and death are the same thread. God is all there is and It is constantly expanding from  one state into the next.  God is mom, you,  me and everybody–doing its thing in an ever-present moment. Things are working out. All is well.